When, at 23

I have recently turned 23 and felt like while I am still not ‘old’ I am not, not ‘old’. But fundamentally some of my deepest desires still remain the same as when I was 12. One of them includes being sincere. I have never really been sincere except for my constant desire to be so. And this vague, umbrella term was some parts dynamic and some parts fixed. My firm belief in writing being my savior never changed and yet I took ages to get back to it as if I was trying to sabotage my own sense of feeling joy for no plausible reason. So here is why, in order to have more ecstasy and peace do I still cling on to the goal of being more sincere in the coming years.

I have realized over the years that the only reason I craved being more true to way of navigating life was my inability to focus. I recognized how attention deficiency was the fulcrum of my anxiety and depression. And although I have not yet overcome it, I have become oddly comfortable having it as a frenemy and accepting its never ending existence. My current feelings on how I would be more sincere in my actions and thoughts start with this piece of writing. This is how I start to stop lying to myself so I can get out of my own way. First, procrastinating on expressing myself in written word was a bad habit because it was keeping me from appreciating just how liberating it is when you engage in an activity which you had discovered years ago as a hobby. And thus not allowing my brain this flow of endorphins is a disservice to my existence.

Now going back to my statement of the idea of sincerity being dynamic to my world, I want to share how it was so. Reaching 23 included evolution of the concepts of what makes me uncomfortable. The year of the pandemic was also the year I started working as a salaried employee. And getting paid presented two very contradictory responses in my brain. The first being an overwhelming sense of gratitude, privilege and luck that during a pandemic I am able to make any money at all. It gave me a jolt every time I saw a LinkedIn post of someone losing their job or the agony of migrant workers or even essential workers suffering awfully when I was nicely settled in my chair inside my house with ample food supply, working on my computer. The second, on a farther end of the spectrum was me being impassive when I saw a salary credited to my account. It didn’t invoke any emotion and in fact when I bought anything with that money that was for my use it made me more anxious about how I probably even did not need what I bought and sometimes how wasteful it actually was because it came covered in plastic packaging. And this is how my idea of ‘sincerity’ changed. Earlier, I used to think that the day I start earning I would value myself more and motivate myself to work on myself even more. When my lack of joyous emotion stared at me I decided to introspect for 10 mins. As it turns out, I had not only not gotten happy on earning some bucks, I had in fact developed a deep sense of discomfort each time my large corporate workplace mentioned how well they have done financially beating all odds during a pandemic and how my colleagues or friends or family adored being well off and revelled in that fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, I am no saint and wouldn’t survive without the material comforts that have been given to me by my family but this is a major reason why I did not have a reaction to the cheque of my salary. Its because I have not luckily ever lived in a state of deficiency and already had what is needed for a comfortable life. Any other transaction that I carry out in the market place is just an additional material comfort I am trying to seek which by the way starts to steep low very quickly on its utility curve.

Hopefully and thankfully I may never have to worry about where would my next meal come from or being homeless. So being sincere to myself changed when I instead of desiring to make more and more money, ditched that false goal and made more space for thoughts which frequent my brain more often. At least for a few months I have started observing the state of the world a little bit more. Thinking about money makes thoughts like farmers of cocoa in Ghana striving to lower the living income differential, farmers in India fighting for minimum support price, minimum wage workers, developed countries like America missing out on chances of supporting progressives like Sanders who care about taxing the rich and climate change because the world is too shy to divest from Big Energy etc now are more and more obvious . They are disconcerting and although I am not taking any concrete action towards bettering the conditions I am thinking about I have stopped lying to myself for my own sake that I do care about making tons of money. I don’t think I would care about it so much ever now, because I have been privileged enough to not have seen the lack of it or over the top excess of it.

Then comes my bundle of feelings for being sincere in working towards how to be smart and not feeling extremely intimidated around any other smart and talented person. Its safe to say I have started to shed this desire now. Because although I always knew it I have only just come to realize that I do not owe it to any one or there was no written law of universe which requires me to be intelligent or always contributory. I can just pass my day minding my business and not worrying about how I will talk in a group which knows so much more than me, can perform much better than me or actually making a change for earth or the society or anything. As physicists believe, our existence could just be one of the many possibilities already existing simultaneously as a result of the many variables taking up a set of values in the equation of the universe. So its really okay for me to not fret so much about being very special or extra ordinary. Just living is fine for my brain. Ironically these calming feelings also emerged from me getting to know how we all could be heading towards a sixth mass extinction, how climate change and its dire consequences need actions every minute towards sustainability from all the smartest and talented people too, not just me, so we are all in the same boat. Thus now I have resorted instead just to admire the sheer breadth of what humans can do instead of feeling dumb all the time. Whether it is AI, business, arts, individuals smart enough to innovate green solutions I will try to just learn and enjoy.

Finally about the idea of sincerity that’s been the same all along. Nine times out of ten I predict my experience when trying something new wrongly. But I was right all along when I announced to myself at 18 that I would love living alone. And loving it I did for 4 years before coming to live with my parents due to the pandemic. It would have maybe been a little more fulfilling if I had not been doing work from home but going to office maybe twice a week and had my own apartment. But regardless I hope it will happen again in the near future. There are several reasons why I remained sincere in my love for solitude. I loved creating a space according to how I like it. I am excited for the future when I get an empty small apartment, I start with as little clothes, crockery and electronics as possible and try to stay that way. Reduce my usage of plastic and remain de-cluttered. Try out recipes for personal care products to make at home so I can move towards a zero waste lifestyle. Getting to live alone with a job meant to me in a pre- pandemic world that I cook for myself and workout at any time I like, and it still remains the same. Going vegan, getting less grains and more greens in my diet. Sleeping adequately. Reading just lying anywhere. Waiting for cars driven by hydrogen fuel cell power. Obviously I can start doing most of these things now but again to my promise of being sincere and not lie to myself, I know getting to full action will happen when I am the only boss of a house!